This is not intended as a “joke post”, or as an amusing Friday evening read. This is a sincere, heartfelt plea for Hollywood to get its head out of its ass and make the movie that the world has been yearning for.
Let me make something clear: I don’t mean make a kids movie.
Grover, I’m sure most of us will agree, is probably the coolest ever puppet to appear on tv. He comes across as slightly unhinged, but someone who always manages to cope under pressure, whether that be serving an irate customer a hamburger or teaching a kid the alphabet.
Here’s how I believe the character could make a striking impact cinematically. First, the film needs to be 18 certificate / R-rated. Not for cheap thrills, but because it needs to be realistic. The grittier the world our hero inhabits, the more brightly his optimism and likeable disposition will shine through.
There can be no other puppets in the movie. Like I said, this film has to be realistic. For the duration of this film Grover is a real person and treated like one by all other characters in the film.
It has to be very high budget – $200m or so. Plus the mother of all marketing campaigns. Why? Again, so it will be taken seriously.
The type of plot that I believe would work would run something along the following lines: Grover is an alcoholic former government agent, sacked after being framed for stealing drug money. He lives in a cesspit of a flat in Los Angeles from which he also runs a private detective agency.
As well as being an alcoholic he is also coming off heroin cold turkey and taking methadone. He regularly gets the shakes because of the heroin withdrawals and I believe some scenes where he is in his apartment with a cold sweat, in deep introspection, smashing mirrors, crying, laughing etc, could make for powerful cinema.
He has an ex-wife, an extremely glamorous model (someone like Victoria Silvstedt could play this role). She left him after he forced her to play russian roulette one night when he was high. Now she wants him back but he won’t take her calls.
A great part of the story would be Grover hunting down and killing the man who framed him, the leader of the Russian mafia. Grover is then offered his old job back but declines and moves to a desert island where he meditates for years before returning to LA and hooking back up with his ex-wife.
The film would have it all: action, romance and adventure. How could it not be a hit, and more importantly, why has it not yet been made?
The marketing campaign could run along the lines of “you know the name” with a silhouette image of Grover. Think about it for a moment. Everyone would know immediately who it was – the curiosity would be unbearable.
This could be the breakout picture that defines a studio’s success, the start of a new franchise that blows the doors off our perceptions of popular culture.
For the record, if it does get made, my choice for director is Scorcese. He’s one of the few helmers that could handle the character’s many layers as displayed recently in the fabulous Shutter Island, amongst a back catalogue of many, many other great films.